What Not To Do When Making a Sex Tape

Sex tape. That phrase makes the whole dirty debacle sound rather professional, doesn’t it? Well it wasn’t. Isn’t. Was never going to be. ‘Porno’ sounds too… professional? and sex video sounds too… amateur? I’m struggling to find a word or phrase that conveys what exactly it was that we created. Regardless, a sex tape, it was not. I’m just gonna call it a shebang, because a shebang it was; it involved a she, a he and a bang.

We were on holiday. A blissful, sun-filled, sex-filled retreat.

The conditions were perfect. The outcome was not.

It all started so promisingly. The camera was positioned (iPhone 5C, ICYWW). The bed sheets were fresh. I was fresh. He was fresh. It was all really fucking fresh. I hit Record. What followed was a Lemony Snicket-esque affair: a series of unfortunate events.

Unsurprising newsflash: sex doesn’t flow on cam exactly how it doesn’t flow IRL. The first 30 seconds consist of me double-thinking the deed, pacing back and forth – towards the penis and away from the penis – performing the sexual Samba. Then we crack on and my inner dialogue takes over:

‘Foreplay, foreplay, foreplay. What a glorious thing foreplay is. I wonder how my legs look splayed in this manner. I imagine I resemble a frog that’s laid out on all fours, except on its back. Speaking of back: arch it, girl!

Stomach well and truly sucked… IN. I think the suction is actually hindering the openness of my nether-regions because FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WHY WON’T IT GO IN. It’s like a duck to water every other day and now, NOW it decides not to cooperate. Typical. *to boyf* ‘Say Open Sesame or something!’ aaand voila! Christ, he is like the Vagina Whisperer. I will never tell him that though. That’s the kind of nickname that sticks with a man. Before you know it I’ll be in Slug, earwigging tales of the notorious Vagina Whisperer. No, I don’t need that kind of stress or information in my life.

Right, focus Daisy!!!! Blow job time. My time to SHINES! Christ, I’m funny. Okay, not the smoothest blowy I’ve ever given. Very aware that my ass is camera facing. I wonder how my asshole looks in HD. I wonder if this phone even has HD. What actually is HD?

Back to the bonking we go. Yep, doggy does seem like the safest option. Even though doggy makes my tiny tits look like hanging triangles. Soggy triangular PG tips, is a more apt description. PG tits! Swing low, sweet teabags.

Nope, mon amis, that angle does not work. Oh sweet baby Moses, was that a fanny fart? I haven’t really got the hang of Final Cut Pro yet. How the fuck do you delete sounds? If I’d moaned a little louder instead of thinking about Final Cut Pro, maybe you wouldn’t be able to hear the fucking fanny fart.

FOCUS, DAISY. Check yourself in the mirror. Not too shabby, guys, not too shabby. His arms look great. Fuck, he has great arms. Maybe there is something to this ‘gym’ business he speaks of. But, oh fuck, the camera is right there. I’ve essentially been looking smugly into the cam for an entire minute. That’s not gonna make for an enjoyable re-watch. We’ve really fucked this fuck up.’

Except the phone ran out of space. The video stopped recording about 4 minutes after it started. The only thing captured on film was foreplay. Furious looking foreplay, at that. Mechanical masturbating. Blowies given at lightning speed. Cunnilingus that looked like head-banging. And incessant kissing that evoked images of fish pedicures.

Because I’d accidentally set the video to Time-Lapse.

The sort-of-sex was captured in triple speed. With no sound.

We made a sped-up, silent sex movie.

It’s really fucking funny to watch. We’ve decided to call it Robocock.