I don’t see nothin’ wroo-oooo-ooong, with a little… WARDROBE CLEANSE! Far superior and butt-tonnes more beneficial than a juice cleanse, a wardrobe cleanse assures you a healthy(ish) bank balance (courtesy of all the treasures you’ll be selling on) and leaves your wardrobe feeling weight-less (for about two days until you’ve bought surplus new shit). Forreal, though: it’s the only cleanse I’ll ever consider doing. Replenishing and revitalising your wardrobe can make a massive difference to your life (I clearly don’t have much of a life, as is evidenced by that very sentence). But srsly, I enjoy nothing more than the cleansing sensation one experiences upon successfully sifting through all the garms in my floordrobe that have either 1. Never seen the light of day or 2. Seen the light of day, potentially once, before being unceremoniously retired to the unforgiving, unrelenting, overspilling hell-hole of The Forgotten Threads.
You go through stages when having a clear-out, and those stages are as such:
‘A-ha! I have thought of something productive to do with my life today: I shall… have a CLEAR-OUT! Genius, Daisy. Utter genius. Let’s grab all the obviously unnecessary bits first, like that over there! That pink cut-away top you’ve literally never worn! You don’t need that, buddy. Put it in the Charity Shop Pile. Now what about those? Do you really need those trousers? They look hideous on you. You swore you’d lose, like, 20 pounds when you bought them – assuming that was enough justification for their extortionate price tag – and yet here you are, at least 10 pounds heavier, chowing down on a Chomp whilst pondering this very situation. Chuck them on The Depop Pile. Good girl. Now we’re cooking!! I must say, Daisy: you are excelling yourself today. Pat on the back and another Chomp for you. Ahhh what about this dress! It did cost you an arm and a leg. Well, it cost your ex an arm and a leg. The ex didn’t much like it when he saw some of the stuff he so lovingly gifted you being flogged on your Depop page, so I’m not entirely sold that he’d be okay with you getting a quick buck off the back of this sassy little number. Okay, okay, it’s decided: you stay in the wardrobe until further notice. How about this cute little body? You haven’t worn it yet but, I mean, we’re pretty sure you’re gonna look rad in it. You, cute little body, will go in the Maybe I Will Keep You Pile! Fuck me, this is a laborious process. I’m actually sweating. I can’t remember the last time I exercised this much. And I’m literally up to my eyeballs in clothes. I’d love a little lay down right about now, ‘cept the whole fucking bed is covered. And, lest we forget, we’ll have to HANG ALL THIS BACK UP at some point. Christ on a bike, whose terrible idea was this?! And where am I going to keep all these sodding Piles?! You’re not the Big Yellow Storage company, Daisy. Right, let’s just shuffle some of this shit about and have a cat nap. That’s right, get nice and comfy. You can use that fur as a quilt, seeing as your actual quilt may as well be 10,000 miles below sea level at this moment in time. Mmm, comfy… *30 minutes later* *awakes* *rubs eyeballs into realisation* Fuck me, what the fuck happened here?!?!!’
I *know* how tedious this process can be so, with that in mind, I’ve done y’all a favour and selected the threads that’ll be taking the place of the ones you kick to the curb (because why go to all the effort of making some space in your wardrobe if you’re not going to fill that space immediately?!). That’s right, laydeez, I’ve curated your Spring Summer wardrobe. HOLLAAA!