I have undergone somewhat of a transformation recently. In butterfly terms (the only terms I’ll be talking in from this point onwards, FYI) I have ceased hanging upside down – being occasionally flicked by curious kids – and have radically transformed within the confines of my slinky cocoon, remerging as a fully fledged Papilionoidea! (That’s science talk for butterfly. Do keep up.)
What sparked such a metamorphosis, I hear you ask? Well, a suit, actually.
That’s right: a suit! A two-piece, typically consisting of trousers and a blazer, most commonly seen on the 1239484059 po-faced professional men who risk life and limb at 7am every weekday morning to cram themselves onto the Central Line tube carriages. (I, too, would be po-faced were I not observing them from the comfort of my seat.)
But recently, in an unexpected turn of events, the suit has stepped out of the financial sector shadows and inserted itself into the high-street in a flurry of technicolour gloriousness. We’ve got kick flares! We’ve got corduroy! We’ve got banana foam realness! If you’ve imagined it, the high-street has reached into your beautiful brain and made it a reality. Here’s why you shouldn’t hesitate to get your mitts on one…
1. A suit creates the illusion that you’ve got your shit together
Take this photo, for example. This looks like a woman who has her proverbial ducks in a row, right? Right! But also: so wrong. My ducklings are yet to hatch (do ducklings hatch?) and the mother duck is drowning her sorrows in a Spoons. At least that’s where she told me she was going. I haven’t heard from her in weeks. In short: my life and everything in it is a calamity but, when I’m donning this suit, you’d have no idea.
2. They’re the easiest thing in the world to wear
Every evening I say to myself “I’ll figure out what I’m going to wear to work tomorrow, right after I’ve inhaled this family pack of Minstrels”, and every morning I wake up and lament Evening Daisy for sending herself into a cocoa-based coma from which she never awoke to sort out her outfit. WHEN WILL YOU LEARN, EVENING DAISY!
With a suit, however, the struggle is not so real. It’s as simple as whacking it on with a plain white tee and finishing off your lewk with a bedazzled belt, if you workplace allows such an accoutrement. (I hope for your sake that it does. I hate to think of a world in which bedazzled belts are frowned upon.)
3. They’re hella flattering
Once upon a time, I worked in Matalan. Was I particularly good at the job? No. Did the concept of reattaching bras to their fiddly hangers after a billion people had ravaged the undies section thrill me? No. Was I prepared to wear the suit-style trousers they insisted I wore? No. Why was that? Because they looked BLOODY AWFUL ON ME. They hung at my hips, clung fiercely to my calves and then did their bootcut bizniz around my obscured ankles.
The suit situation of 2K18, however, is a majestic maelstrom of cuts and lengths and shapes and styles. You might think that suits aren’t for you, dear reader, but you’d be wrong. Don’t spend anymore time living such a needless lie.
4. You get more bang for your buck
The thing about suits is that a suit halved still = a solid contribution to an outfit. Doing away with the best part of a pair of denim shorts won’t quite produce the same outcome; although one glance at Pretty Little Thing will prove that denim knickers are big this year (where ‘big’ means ‘small and up your ass crack’) so poor example on my part. My point is that the cost-per-wear factor of a suit is second to none. It pretty much ends up paying for itself. Sort of.
If I’m still yet to convince you to add a colourful co-ord to your wardrobe then I’ve failed in my quest. I plan on consoling myself with another suit purchase.