I douche. Anally (not vaginally: I wouldn’t dare mess with the pH levels of my vag). For anyone uncertain of what ‘douching’ means: I fill one of these contraptions with warmish water and pop the nozzle in my ass and squeeeeze. I effectively give myself an enema in a bid to rid my batty of any lingering dirt (read: poo), so that I can truly relax when I indulge in a little butt play. It makes me far less para being safe in the knowledge that my juicy double is cleaned to the best of my abilities (short of excavating it, I’m not sure what else I could do) and spares me – and him – the embarrassment of having him pull out with poop on his penis. Or, worse yet, him loosening my bowels entirely and me *ahem* exploding all over my baby pink bed sheets (I have IBS; this is more of a genuine concern than a farfetched, roflcopter scenario). But, after some serious consideration, I’ve decided that I needn’t be embarrassed at all.
A pub garden gathering with guy pals the other day resulted in this snippet of convo:
Guy 1: “Oh yeah, Joe Bloggs* did this girl in the ass and runny poo came flying out of her.”
Guy 2: “Whuuuuut? Like runny, diarrhoea shit?”
Guy 1: “Yeah. It, like, spewed over the bed sheets.”
Guy 2: “WHAAAAAAAAT? Oh my god. That’s fucking hilarious.”
Me: “It’s an asshole, guys! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?”
*obviously not called Joe Bloggs. Does anyone actually *know* anyone named Joe Bloggs? I wonder how he feels about being spoken of in such a smorgasbord of ways.
Butt really, what *do* we expect? The primary purpose of the anal cavity is to eliminate solid waste from the body. When you think long and hard about it, it’s kind of weird that we’ve overly sexualised the part of ourselves that produces poo. We applaud peachy poop-producers! That’s kinda bizarre, non? But whatever, bums are fab to look at and it is what it is. I’m more disconcerted by the expectations mounted on the ass. I douche because it makes me feel better but also because I feel as though a fella would be thoroughly perturbed when presented with a dirty rectum (even though it is A RECTUM); I courtesy douche, if you will. We’ve all heard a story about how a fella took a trip downtown and pulled out to find some nuggets on his member. Upon hearing this tale as a wee teen, I shuddered and said something enlightening along the lines of “OMG GROSS”. Fast-forward ten years and my only response would be “…and?”, having experienced the over-powering aroma of poop upon my first dalliance into P-in-A play. I was naturally, at the time, mortified. I was completely baffled as to how anyone could have anal sex and NOT have a smell escape: “Is my brown matter especially smelly? Is my arse particularly potent? What will my man think of me now? How is he even still thrusting? Is there such a thing as nose blindness and what are the chances that he has it? Please God, smite him with nose blindness.” Such were the during-nookie ponderings of an 18 year old girl. But the reality is that if you’re going to poke around inside the booty, there’s a chance you could come across some brown matter; it’s not a dead cert (indeed, so many of my gals have never had this issue), but it is totes biologically feasible. And for that reason it shouldn’t be shamed. A girl has, really, gone above and beyond the call of duty if she’s taken the time to thoroughly wash-out her batty before she allows you to probe around in it. Whether she’s douched for you or douched for herself, the lady in question has been hella considerate; she’s exceeding all expectations, as opposed to merely meeting your gluteus maximus modus operandi. My point? Douching is an okay thing to do if that’s what makes you comfortable – or for WHATEVER REASON AT ALL – because it’s obvz totally your choice, but it’s not an essential and it shouldn’t be a straight-up expectation. (Don’t douche too often, mind you, because you’ll be getting rid of some gloriously helpful gut bacteria.)
If he fears the faeces that badly, maybe he should reconsider his ass affinity.
How does that inspirational, popular-on-the-gram quote go? ‘If a guy can’t handle your asshole at its worst, then he doesn’t deserve it at its best.’ Yep, I think that’s it.