I douche. Anally. (Not vaginally: I wouldn’t dare mess with the pH levels of my vag.) For anyone uncertain of what ‘douching’ means: I fill one of these contraptions with warmish water and pop the nozzle in my ass and squeeeeze. I effectively give myself an enema in a bid to rid my batty of any lingering shit, so that I can truly relax when I indulge in a little butt play. It makes me far less para being safe in the knowledge that my juicy double is cleaned to the best of my abilities (short of excavating it, I’m not sure what else I could do) and spares me – and him – the embarrassment of having him pull out with poo on his penis. Or, worse yet, him loosening my bowels entirely and me *ahem* exploding all over my baby pink bed sheets (I have IBS; this is more of a genuine concern than a farfetched, roflcopter scenario). But, after some serious consideration, I’ve decided that I needn’t be embarrassed at all.
A pub garden gathering with some guys the other day resulted in this snippet of convo:
Guy 1: “Oh yeah, Joe did this girl in the ass and runny shit came flying out of her.”
Guy 2: “WHAT?! Like diarrhoea shit?”
Guy 1: “Yeah. It, like, spewed over the bed sheets.”
Guy 2: “WHAAAAAAAAT? Oh my god. That’s fucking hilarious.”
Me: “It’s an asshole, guys! WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?”
Butt really, what *do* we expect? The primary purpose of the anal cavity is to eliminate solid waste from the body. The ass is a sexy place but sexiness is really its secondary function, at best, and I’m more than a little disconcerted by the expectations mounted on the ass. I douche because it makes me feel better but also because nothing sucks the sexy out of the room quite like the slow spread of shit scent, descending upon the room like the creeping sludge encasing the trees in FernGully (a nice reference, granted). I do it for my partner and I do it for my nasal cavity. I courtesy douche, if you will.
Whether they’ve douched for you, douched for themselves or douched for all involved, the doucher (douchee? douché?) in question has been hella considerate. My point? Douching is an okay thing to do if that’s what makes you comfortable – or for WHATEVER REASON AT ALL – because: your ass. But it’s not an essential and it shouldn’t be a straight-up expectation. (Don’t douche too often, mind you, because you’ll be getting rid of some v helpful gut bacteria.)
If your fuck fears faeces that badly, maybe they should reconsider their affinity with the asshole.
How does that inspirational, popular-on-the-gram quote go? “If they can’t handle your asshole at its worst, they don’t deserve it at its best.” Yep, I think that’s it.