Story Time: I’m Failing At Life

I am 24. I am jobless. I still live at home with my loving, albeit growingly disgruntled, parents. I can’t cook for shit. My culinary skills stretch as far as scones (of the cheese variety, FYI) and I’m somewhat of a dab-hand at Super Noodles and hot dogs; a self-explanatory affair that involves the joyous matrimony of Super Noodles and lovingly sliced frankfurters. It’s a carborific, calorific combo – the aroma of which will be deeply infused into the fibres of all your worldly possessions for weeks after – but it’s totally worth it. In short: I am a living hashtag, and that hashtag is #fail. I’ve been involved in a deep, dark and, frankly, disastrous relationship with depression for a good few months now, whilst simultaneously holding down an affair with a Quarter-Life Crisis and indulging in the occasional flirt with anxiety. My head feels like it’s about to both explode and implode at any given moment. I can’t tell whether I’m coming or going, although I’m 98% sure I’m headed in the wrong direction and therefore may never come nor go. Life, as I imagined it, is now how I imagined it. Not at all. Not in the slightest. I was never someone in possession of a ‘plan’, but I was in possession of, what turned out to be, a hysterical notion that I wouldn’t be failing right now. At 18 years of age, I couldn’t even imagine being 24, less imagine where I’d *be* at 24; so it surprises and perturbs me immensely that I’m still basically in my infancy. I am a botty-wipe away from total regression. I half pine for retrogradation of my selfhood, because then at least I’d have an excuse for my incunabulum. Alas, it’s my knowledge of words such as ‘incunabulum’ that serve as a gentle reminder that I’m not in a gleefully-unaware state of babyhood.

It was over recent drinks with friends that shit really hit the fan and the stark contrast of our lives came crashing into focus. Whilst I am one step away from madness, they are one step down the hypothetical aisle closer to matrimony. Whilst I am a hop, skip and a long-jump away from financial stability (or, indeed, from finances full stop), they are merely a baby-step away from, well, babies. Whilst I am on the sea-bed, searching for employment life-forms, they are treading the water, supposedly fulfilled or, at the very least, pleased with their professional feats. Don’t get me wrong: I crave neither of the former things (I would be a terrible wife and an only marginally better mother, largely due to the fact that I want to be neither); but the prevalence of these glorious growths (because they are glorious, and I’m abundantly happy for each and every one of ’em) in my friends lives knocked me for six. Has life really moved *that* quickly? Have I been achieving fuck-all for *that* long? When did everyone grow-up? When did the goalposts shift? When did everyone get their shit together, and when did mine unceremoniously hit that fucking fan? I feel like I’m walking down a yellow brick road, paved with the enriching accolades and life-defining moments of my peers, and I’m going to arrive in Emerald Shitty only to be greeted by a brick wall. The saying goes: ‘different strokes for different folks’, and it’s a proverb that I drop on the regs (usually when someone is berating something that I don’t have the energy to combat), but this meet-up with gal-pals sent that sentiment whizzing around my cranium. Am I far behind, or are they far ahead? Or are we all exactly where we’re meant to be? In 20 years time will I rue the days I spent debating the relevance and meaning of my existence? Will I kick myself for making so many goddamn comparisons? Does this paranoid inadequacy and feeling of hopelessness just drop off eventually? We always hear of people getting their Big Break, but what happens to the people who don’t? Do they disappear into irrelevance? Similarly, hard work pays off… But what if it doesn’t? Part of me recognises my hyper-insanity, but a bigger part of me is hellbent on bulldozing rationality altogether. There are so many questions whizzing through my implosive, explosive mind but, annoyingly, only time can tell. And time, so far, has been a motherfucker.

Realistic mantra: Life *can* change in the blink of an eye, but we blink up to 28,000 times a day, so a solitary blink is a little optimistic. It’s also far easier to see the change happening around us than it is to see the change happening to us or within us; what with our eyeballs not being inwards.

11 Comments

  1. Nicola
    3rd September 2015 / 1:46 am

    Beautifully written as always.
    It scares me how similar our minds are……wish our waistlines were that similar 😉
    Come to me and I will help you work it all out xxxxx

    • pieandfash
      9th September 2015 / 10:27 am

      Can I come to Melbs and seek solace by the sea?!?!!? xxxxxx

  2. Gemma
    3rd September 2015 / 2:02 pm

    Sending you the biggest hug rose.. If it’s any consolation I think you have got your shit together and you literally have the world at your feet you just can’t see it because your in it.
    I’m 28 and far from having my shit together.. So it could be worse you could be OLDER and still not have a fighting clue.. Your young, talented and beautiful inside and out- love your writing as always you talented human being you xxxxx

  3. 3rd September 2015 / 3:19 pm

    I feel ya, girl. Being a grown up is tough work and it sucks a lot of the time. I think one of the biggest things I’ve learnt is to try to have lower expectations. Which sounds terrible but the times I’ve felt worst are always when I’ve been kicking myself for not being a Super High Flyer yet and managing to overlook all the good things going on. Don’t run before you can walk!

    Rachel | http://www.currentlyrachel.com

    • pieandfash
      9th September 2015 / 10:33 am

      I’m not sure I’ve even figured out how to walk but I’m WORKING ON IT!! I totally understand ya. I think it’s so easy to compare ourselves to those around us, based on the snippets of info we’re fed through social media, and we forget that we’re not seeing the whole picture and that their picture may be just as dismal as we see ours, sometimes. There’s a good quote that goes ‘Don’t compare your beginning to someone else’s middle’ and it’s SO true. Thanks for the advice, m’lady. Keep on killing it, as you are. x

  4. Annie
    9th September 2015 / 10:16 am

    I LOVE YOUR BLOG!!!! just want to tell you- you are NORMAL. coming from someone who has suffered with depression/anxiety for 2 years ish now, have felt lost for a vast majority of that time with no clue what to do with my life and feeling like a failure and pretty useless human..but things just seem to work out eventually, so just try and stay positive (easier said than done) because you have an amazing talent, your writing cracks me up and you are obviously super smart funny and you seriously could have an amazing career doing this! and all the best people are a bit mental 🙂 p.s I can’t cook either my speciality is pasta and ketchup! Xxx

    • pieandfash
      9th September 2015 / 10:27 am

      Annie this is, undoubtedly, a majestic comment. THANK YOU SO MUCH! You have uplifted me and I am beyooond happy that you seem to have emerged out the other end of that dark and dastardly tunnel (though, obviously, it never entirely disappears. it’s like an annoying ex that just WON’T STOP BADGERING YOU) and feel enthused and more positive about life. And thank you so much for your lovely words about my writing!! So ace! I can’t actually say I’ve ever tried pasta and ketchup – is it a winning combo? I’ll find out tonight. Thank you thank you thank you – I hope you have a sensational Wednesday xxx

  5. Katie Will
    21st September 2015 / 1:31 pm

    Oh my fucking god reading this has made me so happy.
    I had an almighty breakdown the there night for the exact same reason. We are not alone.
    I’m just gonna hope it all comes together.

    Love your blog x

    • pieandfash
      21st September 2015 / 2:33 pm

      Thank you, Katie!!! Whilst it’s obviously vehr upsetting to hear that you, too, feel like you’re failing at life (although that is admittedly a dramatic statement on my part; ever the drama queen!), it is comforting to know that I’m not the only one currently feeling like a complete loser. WE’RE IN THIS TOGETHER!! I hope – nay, I am SURE – you’ll find the light at the end of the tunnel soon and you’ll be inundated with glorious feelings of happiness and contentment. xxx

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