I can’t come through penetrative sex. There, I said it. Men of the world: take note. I assumed it was fairly common knowledge that not all women get their rocks off through penetrative sex but, turns out, it isn’t. So, while we’re on the subject, I’d like to dispel the myth that every guy I’ve encountered deems to be bible: you are not making every woman you have sex with come through penetration. You just aren’t.
Booty call or booty regular, the beginnings of sexual relationships can be tricky. You want to please and you want to look as though you are being pleased, even if that is so far from the truth that your clitoris is about to drop off. And instead of saying anything, you say nothing; you don’t want to bruise their ego. (In my experience a bruised ego leads to a floppy phallus and that is no fun for anyone, amirite?) So, instead of saying your piece and ensuring sexual satisfaction, you wait and silently hope that one day they’re going to get it right. You throw hints around like confetti at a wedding – clamping your thighs tightly around his cranium to insinuate the elusive ‘spot’ has been found, screaming ‘there, there, THERE!’ when his finger grazes a promising area, gently requesting he slows it the fuck down when he’s going so Fast & Furious on your punani that it actually appears to be steaming… Except it’s no use. No amount of painstakingly obvious direction is affording you the pleasure you’re after – nay, deserve! – and you find yourself booking in for vaginal reconstructive surgery to get your hoo-haa back to its former glory, pre-bionic arm masturbation (you, my friend, just experienced labia-blasty). So, what do you do? Do you dump his ass? Do you finish yourself off when he goes home? Do you email him articles that are relevant to the topic without being too obvious, in the hopes he’ll actually read a passage and become enlightened, like a born-again boudoir God? Do you bypass your needs and just crack on with the fucking? Or do you… tell him? The answer: The latter, ALWAYS THE LATTER. Your admission may be met with some outrage – ‘WHAT?! You’ve been faking it this whole time?! But I’ve made every girl I’ve ever been with come! You’re lying, right? This is a joke. Well it’s NOT FUNNY, DAISY.’ – but it’s worth it. It will revolutionise your life and reinvigorate your vag.
I’ve made the mistake of keeping schtum for too long. I didn’t want to ‘upset’ them. I didn’t want to make them feel bad about their performance. And, bizarrely, I didn’t want to seem hard to please; I didn’t want to appear to be asking for too much. Well you know what? I call BS on that. Men and women are wired differently: P-in-V action largely works wonders for men, while female satisfaction depends on a smorgasbord of factors. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a raucous roll in the hypothetical hay as much as the next human, but there’s not a hope in hell that you’re gonna make me come through it. You know what I get from penetrative sex? Cystitis. Pigs will fly before I ever squirt. I need a man to get to grips with my clit if he’s got any chance of properly pleasuring me. Did you know that 50-75% of women require clitoral stimulation in order to achieve orgasm? FIFTY TO SEVENTY-FIVE PERCENT; that’s the majority, yet our bedroom behaviours suggest we think otherwise. Madness, huh? And I’m not just basing this on my own limited experience, either. Girls talk about everything, including what goes down when your manhood goes up. I’ve got friends that didn’t realise it was completely normal that sex didn’t make them come; friends that tell guys from the get-go exactly what gets them going and friends that are so good at faking it they should consider running acting classes. In fact, stats suggest that between 60% to 80% of us laydeez fake it between the sheets for a whole host of reasons. There are, of course, women among us whose clitoris’ are positioned close enough to their vaginal opening that coming through sex is their norm. Fun fact for you: Marie Bonaparte, the great-grandniece of Napoleon Bonaparte, had her clit surgically moved nearer to her vagina in order to be able to come through penetrative sex. Sadly, it didn’t work. Props to her dedication, though.
Basically, whether guys are predisposed to thinking their penises are the key to our Pandora’s Box of sexual satisfaction or whether we perpetuate the problem by not piping up, the answer is simple: tell them. Tell them that their pumping in and out of your being isn’t bringing you to orgasm and tell them that their ferocious (and inaccurate) finger-banging is drying up your putang. If anything, they’re maiming you. Honesty is the best policy, peeps, and mind-blowing rumpy pumpy is within our reach (literally, its an arms length away). The clitoris is home to EIGHT THOUSAND magical sensory nerve endings!! – the penis only has 4,000 (take that, penis) – and these eight thousand little miracles can send sensations to 15,000 other nether-region nerve-endings. Our clits are designed for the sole purpose of sexual pleasure so let’s, at long last, give ’em what they want! Come one, COME ALL. And then come again and again and again…